It’s All Fun and Games, Vol. 2: NCAA Tournament Player Fantasy Game

Friends, family, and hoops junkies alike, I come bearing good news: March has arrived, and with it, the line between diehard fanatic and water cooler expert has blurred as we celebrate the Christmas of college basketball. I am, of course, speaking of the NCAA Tournament, the Big Dance, the Road to the Final Four. For my money, this is the greatest sporting event on the planet, and this weekend in particular brings together colleagues and office mates like no game of work trivia ever possibly could (sorry HR folks – we appreciate the effort to try fostering real-life connections between cubemates, but if you want us to care about your teambuilding activities, perhaps consider upping the prizes from a $5 gift card to a chain coffee shop, a piece of candy, and a “prime parking spot for a week” in a 90% empty parking lot).

Filling out a Tournament bracket in the days between Selection Sunday and the beginning of the First Round (and please, the First Four does not count) has become as American as expecting every person in the world to speak English while visiting a foreign land, but if you want to really impress on your next Zoom call and have a reason to care after your team is eliminated (if you are so lucky as to experience such deep emotional pain) I suggest taking your interest a notch further and expanding your horizons.

A few months ago, I outlined one of the games I participate in to increase my already-unhealthy level of investment in college basketball in my “It’s All Fun and Games: NCAA Tournament+ Team Scramble Auction Draft” post. If you participated in a team auction draft sometime throughout the season, I hope you thoroughly enjoyed the process and gained an edge that has you licking your lips at your Tournament prospects. If you still need a reason to care about the Dance after your bracket has been irreparably damaged with the bad highlighter color bleeding out of it and that sales guy who got slapped in the face with luck and claims after the fact that “of course Colgate made the Elite Eight, they’ve got like six guys that are awesome” despite not even knowing that the Patriot League exists but is dominating your office pool, I have the perfect game for you.

This game, which I lovingly refer to as the NCAA Tournament Fantasy Game, is extremely straightforward and easy to understand, has a minimal level of knowledge required to participate, and is – I promise – extraordinarily fun.

In order to play, simply follow these steps:

1. Have someone who cares way too much about college basketball put together some sort of spreadsheet that lists all of the players who will be participating in the NCAA Tournament. This is admittedly the most burdensome step, but if you know anyone remotely like me, they’ll likely derive a sick amount of pleasure from staying up until 4:00 in the morning copying and pasting each team, player, and scoring statistics. For the draft I participate in, I include all players who have logged at least 50 minutes of playing time throughout the season and have scored at least 20 total points, but you could easily narrow the list quite a bit from there even. The point is, you need to develop and distribute a list of players who can be drafted.

2. Determine a draft order for all your friends and loved ones who will be taking the dive alongside you into the wonderments of the Big Dance.

3. Select players one at a time in said draft order until you’ve reached the total number of picks you’ve predetermined. For the draft I organize (and admittedly I was not the brilliant mind to come up with the idea for this game), we generally have 12 participants drafting teams of 12 unique players each, for a total of 144 player picks.

4. Add up every point all drafted players per participant score throughout the Tournament. The participant with the most points scored wins.

That’s it! And while the game sounds (and is) so simple, the draft strategies are endless. Ultimately, you will want to target players who score a lot of points (makes sense) who are on teams that you believe will win a lot of games (duh). Lots of Points x Lots of Games Played = You Get the Idea.

Our NCAA Tournament Player Fantasy Game Draft took place Monday night, and for the purposes of our game, we only count points scored beginning with the First Round (again, not First Four) games, so there is obviously a more inherent risk in drafting players from the play-in games.

As is tradition, I will now present my post-draft hot takes, quips, poor attempts at humor, and, ultimately, my best guess for how our teams will have performed by the time One Shining Moment has me in tears, reminiscing the glory that was March Madness.

First, here’s a look at the assembled rosters (Cooper had the first pick, Jake had the last pick, and this was a snake draft):

And here are some categories and factors by which I will be analyzing each team with a final aim of ranking each in order from best to worst:

1. Take Me to the Rodeo…or at least let me ride the bar bull - This is the Tournament team that each competitor will be hitching a ride on and hoping to not fall drunkenly off of and onto his ass, as a deep run in March (and perhaps even into April) could bring with it victor’s spoils while an early exit is near-certain doom.

2. Ace-mas in the Hole – Like our favorite Max Abmas, this is the player that has boom-or-bust written all over him; could explode for 80 points in three games like Max Abmas’s incredible 2021 Tourney run, could flame out spectacularly in the first round.

3. Video Game Lag Switch – Did this drafter’s computer glitch out while making this pick or were his video games a little more important than building a championship team? This is the worst or most dumbfounding pick by each team based on draft position.

4. My Name is What? My Name is Who? My Name is… - This is the best-named player on every team.

5. Cannibalism Multiplier – A quick glance at how many players on a given team could be facing off against each other in the first or second rounds, graded on a 1-10 scale. The higher the score, the more players a squad is guaranteed to lose in the first weekend. Not ideal to be shooting for the moon (or the USS March Madness).

6. Total Games Played Projection – This is my halfcourt heave attempt at trying to pinpoint how many total games played each squad will record. While sample sizes are likely still too small to determine exacting correlation, I will note that the winner of this game has had the most (3x) or second most (1x) total games played among their entire roster of players for the past four iterations while the team finishing in last place has either had the fewest (2x), second fewest (1x), or third fewest (1x) total games logged.

1. Cooper:

Take Me to the Rodeo…or at least let me ride the bar bull: Connecticut – While two other teams drafted UConn players prior to Cooper, this is the only squad with two Huskies on it. A deep run by everyone’s favorite 4-seed and the Darlings of December should provide a nice, solid grip on the saddle for my brother, who did well to scatter his picks throughout the bracket, probably in a purposeful effort to torpedo my blog post’s efficacy from the get-go.

Ace-mas in the Hole: Mike Bothwell, Furman (12th round) – The fifth-year senior who has shockingly stuck around Greenville for his entire college career in the age of transfers, double-transfers, and transfer-out-just-to-transfer-back-cause-that-sounds-fun (yes, I’m looking at you Caleb Grill, wherever you might be) has been red-hot at the right time, putting up double-digit points in four straight games – including a 35-point outburst in Furman’s regular season finale win at Samford. Picking the Paladins to upset a somewhat slogging Virginia team sounds sexy, and if the fantasy becomes reality, this could be a steal of a Mr. Irrelevant pick.

Video Game Lag Switch: Ryan Kalkbrenner, Creighton (4th round) – Don’t get me wrong, I really do like Creighton and think they have a chance to fulfill their lofty preseason projections after a bit of an up-and-down season, but this feels like a pick that would make an actuary sweat. Kalkbrenner is a very capable scorer and a better defender who could also easily end up as just the fourth-highest scorer for a balanced Bluejays team. Add to it the possibility that Kalkbrenner gets absolutely bullied by 6’9, 275-pound behemoth DJ Burns in the first round and I am not sold here.

My Name is What? My Name is Who? My Name is…: Josiah-Jordan James, Tennessee – While it’s hard to pass on Tyger Campbell here, UCLA’s veteran point guard is well-known around college basketball. A little lesser known is the wonderful rarity that is first-name-hyphenated Josiah-Jordan James, who will have to pick up some scoring slack following the season-ending injury of Zakai Zeigler.

Cannibalism Multiplier: 0 – Well ever-so-slightly heavy in the West regional with five of 12 players coming from the bottom right of the bracket, there are no potential matchups among anyone on Cooper’s roster before the Sweet Sixteen.

Total Games Played Projection: 36.7

Overall Grade: A-. This team is littered with solid contributors from high seeds, and though there’s no telling how Brandon Miller sleeps at night, it doesn’t hurt to have the best player on the overall top seed in the Tournament either.

2. Sam:

Take Me to the Rodeo…or at least let me ride the bar bull: Houston – With my pre-draft preparations leaning heavily on the work of advanced metrics-based sites like 1-3-1 Sports, KenPom, and Bart Torvik, it’s no surprise that I ended up with two Houston players in the first four rounds of this draft. Now let’s just hope Marcus Sasser’s questionable status doesn’t tank the Cougars’ chances…

Ace-mas in the Hole: Bryce Hopkins (10th round) – The one-time Kentucky big man finds himself facing off against the Wildcats as the 11-seed in a much-anticipated first-round matchup, and if Hopkins can channel some fire against his former team, a two-game stint in the Tournament could be the equivalent of a gold mine among the late rounds.

Video Game Lag Switch: Cedric Henderson Jr., Arizona (8th round) – While I don’t hate having a piece of a strong Arizona team, I’m not sure Henderson was worth the price here. The Campbell up-transfer has slowly ceded more and more playing time to Pelle Larson and has scored just two points in two of the Wildcats’ last four games.

My Name is What? My Name is Who? My Name is…: Dylan Disu, Texas – I’m admittedly a sucker for alliterative names and could have easily gone with fellow Longhorn Sir’Jabari Rice here, but the hard double-D takes the cake.

Cannibalism Multiplier: 0 – Players across my squad are fairly well-dispersed throughout the regions, and the first potential matchup between two of my players would not come until the Sweet Sixteen.

Total Games Played Projection: 40.4

Overall Grade: B+. The more I look back on my draft, the more I wish I would have taken one or two more high-risk, high-reward types. I like my chances to log the most total games played up and down the roster, but I don’t see a ton of scoring outbursts for my squad full of second, third, and fourth options.

3. Alan:

Take Me to the Rodeo…or at least let me ride the bar bull: Kentucky – While this roster doesn’t boast the best rebounder in the country, Alan smartly only cares about points and instead opted for Oscar Tshiebwe’s teammates Antonio Reeves and Jacob Toppin, who would both be key to any March magic for John Calipari’s kids.

Ace-mas in the Hole: Damion Baugh, TCU (11th round) – Everyone seemed to forget how good TCU was supposed to be after an early loss to Northwestern State, but they ended up being…still pretty good! With a healthy Mike Miles helping draw attention as his backcourt mate, Damion Baugh is more than capable of putting up a number from a late-round slot.

Video Game Lag Switch: Olivier Nkamhoua, Tennessee (4th round) – I really didn’t like this pick for a variety of reasons, not least of which is Tennessee’s plodding pace and seemingly allergic reaction to putting the ball in the hoop. Add in Rick Barnes’s strong resistance to winning basketball games in the Tournament, the loss of Zeigler, the emergence of Triple-J as a better scorer and his going later in the draft, and Nkamhoua’s single-digit scoring outputs in more than half of Tennessee’s games since the start of 2023 and you have a massive blunder from my purview.

My Name is What? My Name is Who? My Name is…: Baylor Scheierman, Creighton – While the senior transfer from South Dakota State missed a great opportunity to don his first name on his chest by playing for Scott Drew, Schiereman’s new-age name has been music to the ears of basketball fans in Omaha in his first year under Greg McDermott.

Cannibalism Multiplier: 1 – Only two players are on a hypothetical crash course toward a first weekend clash, as TCU and Gonzaga would face each other in a 3/6 matchup in Denver if they both advance out of the first round.

Total Games Played Projection: 32

Overall Grade: B. The 1-2 combo of Zach Edey and Mark Sears is nothing to be scoffed at here, and I like Alan’s mix of talent across a number of teams that are playing well at the right time.

4. Nick:

Take Me to the Rodeo…or at least let me ride the bar bull: Kansas – A first-rounder and fifth-rounder coming from the same team makes it near-impossible to argue any other squad’s greater importance, and factor in that the remaining 10 players here come from unique teams and the choice is clear: Nick needs Bill Self healthily coaching his Jayhawks through another March run.

Ace-mas in the Hole: Taylor Funk, Utah State (9th round) – A popular pick to make some noise, the Aggies certainly have the offensive firepower to at least give Arizona fits if a Second Round matchup beckons. Funk figures to be a big part of any potential success and recently went on a two-game scoring burst totaling 56 points; he followed that up, however, with just 12 points in Utah State’s final two games of the season, making him a proven boom-or-bust candidate.

Video Game Lag Switch: Olivier-Maxence Prosper, Marquette (4th round) – The Golden Eagles are playing some great basketball for Shaka Smart, and I don’t think they are getting enough hype pre-Tourney, but I was a bit confused with Prosper being taken this high. The Quebec native has been a fairly steady option, but I actually had teammate Oso Ighodaro ranked slightly higher on my big board even though he went two rounds later.

My Name is What? My Name is Who? My Name is…: Souley Boum, Xavier – I mean, c’mon…among a team full of All-Name candidates (I didn’t forget about you, Sincere Carry, Gradey Dick, and Pelle Larsson), I would love to hear an enthused Bill Raftery lend his vaunted “ONIONS!” call in a late nail-biter to Boum.

Cannibalism Multiplier: 5 – This is one of the few squads that pits two players against each other right off the bat, with one of Grand Canyon’s Rayshon Harrison or Gonzaga’s Rasir Bolton guaranteed to be sent packing in Round One followed by a potential matchup that would eliminate Larson (Arizona) or Funk if both their respective teams advance out of the First Round.

Total Games Played Projection: 29.5

Overall Grade: B-. This team sports some of my personal favorite players from around the country in the likes of Boum, Adam Flagler, and Pelle Larsson, but I’m afraid I have significant doubts about how long other players will stay alive, with the last four picks all coming from double-digit seeds.

5. Alan N.:

Take Me to the Rodeo…or at least let me ride the bar bull: Kansas State – The diminutive Markquis Nowell would be a key piece for any level of Kansas State success, and a mid-round flyer on teammate Nae’Qwan Tomlin means Alan N. will be cheering hard for first-year coach Jerome Tang’s fairy tale season to make it past midnight.

Ace-mas in the Hole: Nijel Pack, Miami (6th round) – The Hurricanes scare me a bit with the uncertainty around Norchad Omier’s availability (he was not drafted in this game) and a tough first-round 5/12 matchup with Drake, but if Miami prevails, Nijel Pack could shoulder a massive scoring load.

Video Game Lag Switch: Kobe Brown, Missouri (5th round) – I really like Brown as a player and I’ve been impressed overall with the Tigers’ season under first-year head man Dennis Gates, but I really don’t like their first-round matchup with Utah State and REALLY don’t like a potential second round tilt against Arizona and believe this was a bit of a leap of faith.

My Name is What? My Name is Who? My Name is…: Kihei Clark, Virginia – Though he wasn’t as synonymous with the Virginia program as he is now in his fifth year in Charlottesville, Kihei Clark has loads of experience and was indeed part of the Wahoos’ national championship run in 2019.

Cannibalism Multiplier: 3 – If Kansas State and Kentucky both advance out of the First Round, Alan N. will lose at least one of his top three picks, which is not exactly an ideal scenario.

Total Games Played Projection: 27.4

Overall Grade: C+. This team has a nice mix of highly-capable scorers for teams that could make noise, but the trade-off is obvious: not a single player on this roster comes from a 1- or 2-seed.

6. Jake:

Take Me to the Rodeo…or at least let me ride the bar bull: The Big Ten – Jake is not insanely overallocated in the assets of any one Tournament team, but he sure will be hoping and praying that the Big Ten awakes from it’s two-year run of dreadful conference-wide results. Half of this entire squad hails from the Midwest+ (thanks, Maryland), so here’s to Jake’s hopes for heartland success.

Ace-mas in the Hole: Jahmir Young, Maryland (7th round) – Given the array of Big Ten players throughout this roster, my options are limited here, but Jahmir Young is one of those guys who no one seems to know about on a national level. It will be tough for the Terps to advance out of the first weekend given their 8-seed in the South, but if they can give Alabama a game, it will most certainly be thanks to Young’s scoring touch.

Video Game Lag Switch: Terquavion Smith, N.C. State (6th round) – Smith is a fine player in his own right, but if you’re reaching for a player from an 11-seed halfway through the draft, it better be because he is the unquestioned scoring hoss from his team. That’s not the case here, as I have Jarkel Joiner – who went six entire rounds later – actually ranked slightly higher on my board than I had Smith, who barely found himself in draftable territory in my eyes.

My Name is What? My Name is Who? My Name is…: Santiago Vescovi, Tennessee – There is no lack of options on this roster for All-Name Team candidates, but despite my lackluster view of Tennessee as a team, I do love the flare with which the Uruguayan senior’s name can be yelled.

Cannibalism Multiplier: 0 – I don’t see anything that would inherently prevent this team’s entire roster from making it to the Sweet Sixteen, but with eight of 12 players on 7-seeds or lower, that may be a pipe dream regardless.

Total Games Played Projection: 25.4

Overall Grade: C. Marcus Sasser could well prove to be the steal of the entire draft if his groin behaves, and this team is littered with players that could explode for 30+ in a single game. A few lucky breaks here and there and Jake will be right in contention.

7. Daniel:

Take Me to the Rodeo…or at least let me ride the bar bull: Michigan State – Surprise, surprise – leave it to one of the big Michigan State fans in this draft to mortgage the house on Tom Izzo in March. If the Spartans miraculously find their postseason powder of the golden years, this could easily be the team to beat, but it’s hard for me to see the vintage quality in this year’s version of the Green and White.

Ace-mas in the Hole: Alijah Martin, FAU (9th round) – The Owls have only lost three games all season, in large part thanks to the scoring out-put of junior Alijah Martin, but it could be a quick exit against an upstart Memphis team coming off an AAC Tournament title.

Video Game Lag Switch: Tyson Walker, Michigan State (3rd round) – Considering both real-life and Fantasy Game teammate Joey Hauser – who has outscored Walker since the start of February – was available five whole rounds later, I think it’s safe to call this the reach of the draft.

My Name is What? My Name is Who? My Name is…: Azoulas Tubelis, Arizona – Tommy Lloyd was a longtime assistant for Mark Few who made a name for himself by being an ace evaluator and recruiter of foreign talent while in Spokane, but – having taken over the head job in Tucson just a season ago – he didn’t even have to recruit the junior Lithuania native who may end up being the best overseas talent Lloyd has ever coached.

Cannibalism Multiplier: 4 – Nevermind that this group is already down a player following Mississippi State’s loss in the First Four – it will be down an additional two more at minimum before the Sweet Sixteen is finalized, with potential Second Round matchups pitting UConn (Adama Sanogo) against Saint Mary’s (Logan Johnson) and UCLA (Amari Bailey) against Boise State (Tyson Degenhart) on the horizon.

Total Games Played Projection: 27.4

Overall Grade: C-. There are some picks I really loved here – notably Tubelis, Logan Johnson, Jahvon Quinerly, and Cason Wallace – but the early Tyson Walker/Jalen Pickett back-to-back feels like it could tank this team.

8. Yips:

Take Me to the Rodeo…or at least let me ride the bar bull: Baylor – Well-known for saddling up to one or two teams and milking them for all they’ve got following a dominant performance last season that saw Yips run away with the crown on the backs of three North Carolina players, the I defending champ is back at it this year, doubling up on Baylor, USC, and Auburn selections.

Ace-mas in the Hole: Tucker DeVries, Drake (8th round) – DeVries has emerged in the pre-Tournament zeitgeist as The Guy Everyone Loves Despite Having Never Seen Him Actually Play. If Drake indeed pulls off the 12/5 upset over Miami, DeVries will likely put up a solid number for an eighth round pick in two or more games, but I don’t believe that is a foregone conclusion.

Video Game Lag Switch: Drew Peterson, USC (7th round) – This might come back to bite me in the ass yet again after calling out Yips for selection R.J. Davis last year when he already had two Tar Heels, but I again question the methodology here. If USC out-performs expectations, Yips already has Boogie Ellis to give him a boost. Adding Peterson to the mix increases risk to a level I wouldn’t be comfortable with, and I think he would have been available a bit later on regardless, especially considering two fellow participants were essentially barred from selecting USC players on principal alone.

My Name is What? My Name is Who? My Name is…: Jarkel Joiner, NC State – The senior two-time transfer has been on a tear of late in Raleigh, having poured in 25+ points four times since mid-February, giving this already great name pick some extra juice.

Cannibalism Multiplier: 2 – By my count, only one player is guaranteed to be gone from this roster after the first weekend, with Baylor set to face N.C. State in the Second Round should both advance, but that could be extra costly if Joiner’s side bests Keyonte George and LJ Cryer.

Total Games Played Projection: 23.8

Overall Grade: C-. Despite the success of the load-up-on-underdogs strategy last year, I’m still not sold, and should USC and Auburn both fail to make the Sweet Sixteen – the most likely outcome, if you ask me – this team could tank quickly.

9. Timothy:

Take Me to the Rodeo…or at least let me ride the bar bull: Duke – Saddle up, Scheyer! Timothy is pouring a lot of faith into first-year Blue Devil head man and verified Coach K. protégé Jon Scheyer, who so far seems to have his players at their best in March. The vaunted triple-dip will pay off in spades if Duke is still alive when the Sweet Sixteen rolls around, but an early exit would be tough to overcome.

Ace-mas in the Hole: Isaiah Wong, Miami (3rd round) – The Hurricanes’ heart and soul showed last season that he’s capable of leading Miami in March, but he’ll have to do it without sidekick Kameron McGusty this time around, and potentially without big man Norchad Omier as well. It’s a tall task for the guard, but I wouldn’t bet against Wong.

Video Game Lag Switch: Malik Hall, Michigan State (12th round) – Timothy was still physically present in the wee hours of the night that saw our draft wrapping up, but his mind may have been asleep when he selected an at-best tertiary option for the 7-seed Spartans with his last pick. I like to look for deep value in the last couple rounds, but Hall feels more like a low-ceiling, moderate-floor pick to me.

My Name is What? My Name is Who? My Name is…: Kerr Kriisa, Arizona – While second round pick Kyle Filipowski’s last name makes me feel like my Polish heritage was not to blame for my own lack of basketball ability, I can’t pass up taking the only player I’m aware of who wears his first name on the back of his jersey in this spot.

Cannibalism=Multiplier: 0 – With five draft picks spread between just two teams, it’s no wonder that there won’t be a ton of guaranteed self-inflicted carnage for this team.

Total Games Played Projection: 32.1

Overall Grade: C-. My model actually has this team finishing second worst after Stephen this year, but my eye test likes some of the teams represented here more than analytics do, with Arizona, Xavier, and Miami all a bit better in my view than what a robot might indicate.

10. David Judge:

Take Me to the Rodeo…or at least let me ride the bar bull: Memphis – While all of these players will be wearing different jerseys, it’s pretty clear that David will be sweating every minute that Memphis is on the court, as his first round pick in Kendric Davis plays for the 8-seed Tigers. In my six years of participating in this game, I’ve never seen a first round selection from a team seeded lower than a 5, so this is an unprecedented pick to say the least.

Ace-mas in the Hole: Erik Stevenson, West Virginia (8th round) – This entire team is packed with guys who will be looking to escape out of the 8/9-seed First Round matchups and then make a splash over a 1-seed, but after Kendric Davis, it’s Stevenson that would seem the most capable of going bonkers, having poured in 23+ points in five straight games from late February through early March.

Video Game Lag Switch: Armaan Franklin, Virginia 6th round) – On paper, getting one of the two best scorers from a 4-seed in the middle of the draft seems pretty nice, but Virginia is immune to scoring in a way that few 4-seeds are. While playing at one of the slowest paces in the country, the Cavaliers are almost certain to grind their way to any success, and Franklin has only topped the 20-point mark once since the start of February.

My Name is What? My Name is Who? My Name is…: Oumar Ballo, Arizona – Not only does the native Malian combine with the aforementioned Tubelis to form a nightmarish frontcourt, he also has arguably just as cool a name, almost as if he were destined to play this game.

Cannibalism Multiplier: 0 – I don’t see any potential first weekend auto-drops from this team.

Total Games Played Projection: 24.9

Overall Grade: D+. As we’ve come to expect from David, I’d once again anticipate some early fireworks and premature performance painting a deceivingly rosy picture before this roster starts to drop like flies. I love Kendric Davis as much as anyone in this tournament, but it’s impossible to justify picking a player from an 8-seed in the first round.

11. Marty:

Take Me to the Rodeo…or at least let me ride the bar bull: Indiana – This squad has players from throughout the bracket and didn’t double-dip from any team, but it’s pretty clear which team going on a deep run would benefit Marty the most. The Hoosiers go as TJD does, and this team might as well.

Ace-mas in the Hole: Jordan Brown, Louisiana (9th round) – Louisiana finds itself in an interesting first-round duel with a short-handed Tennessee team that could propel Brown to great heights, but despite Tennessee’s weakness offensively, they are one of the best at dragging down the opposition offense with them. We’ll see how that works for a very offensive-minded Rajin’ Cagun outfit.

Video Game Lag Switch: Max Abmas, Oral Roberts (4th round) – I know, I know – how dare I? Of course Abmas belongs in his patented, namesake category one above this one, but let’s face it – this pick would not have happened if Oral Roberts didn’t steal some of Sister Jean’s goodwill with God a couple years back while on that miraculous run, and unfortunately for Marty, Sister Jean won’t be around the Tournament this year.

My Name is What? My Name is Who? My Name is…: Ricky Council IV, Arkansas – Any descendant with an IV at the end of the name automatically gets a bump in this category, but what makes Council IV a stone-cold lock for the All-Name team is this: he is actually just second generation Ricky Council, but as the youngest of three Ricky Council siblings, he got tagged with the Roman numerals thanks to his parents’ certain affinity for George Foreman’s childly naming conventions.

Cannibalism Multiplier: 7 – Marty is really trying to create some inter-team conflict here, as four of this team’s players are facing off against each other in the first round (Council IV of Arkansas vs. Terrence Shannon Jr. of Illinois and David Singleton of UCLA vs. Drew Pember of UNC Asheville) in addition to a hypothetical Second Round battle between Abmas and Brown.

Total Games Played Projection: 26.4

Overall Grade: D+. The top three picks in TJD, Jarace Walker, and Jordan Hawkins could keep this squad alive longer than it deserves, but it’s going to take some long-shot runs for Marty to do anything more than tread water after the first weekend.

12. Stephen:

Take Me to the Rodeo…or at least let me ride the bar bull: Purdue – I do know that Stephen was playing video games through much of the draft, but I’m not sure if that game also had him cosplaying as Matt Painter fantasizing about dancing to the Final Four. While this squad lacks the obvious Boilermaker you’d want, it has the majority of Purdue’s starting roster, including the entire all-freshman backcourt in Smith and Loyer.

Ace-mas in the Hole: Jalen Bridges (6th round) – While most of the attention lent to Baylor this year focuses on the trio of outstanding guards, 4-man Jalen Bridges is certainly capable of stealing the spotlight, as he did in a 28-point outing in the Bears’ first-round Big 12 Tournament loss to Iowa State. Unfortunately for Stephen, Bridges is equally capable of putting up five points, like he did five days prior to the aforementioned loss to Iowa State…also in a loss to the Cyclones, this time in Waco.

Video Game Lag Switch: Jarod Lucas, Nevada (10th round) – Stephen was literally and figuratively experiencing some lag switch interruptions throughout the evening, but the Lucas selection takes the cake. I can understand taking a chance on a play-in player in the last round, and maybe even in the 11th round if the guy’s last name is Juzang, but in the 10th round? For a Nevada team that probably should not have even been selected? Hindsight is 20/20, but this one wreaked even before Jarod Lucas’s Tournament ended before it started for the purposes of this game.

My Name is What? My Name is Who? My Name is…: Filip Rebraca, Iowa – While not quite sporting as cool a name as his former NBA player dad Zeljko, Filip Rebraca (pronounced “re-BRAA-cha”) rolls right off the tongue, so long as you don’t struggle to roll your Rs.

Cannibalism Multiplier: 0 – All of these players could have found their way to the second weekend of the Tournament (that is, if Nevada hadn’t lost already), but that may not be the most impressive thing for a roster that includes five combined players from two teams.

Total Games Played Projection: 30.9

Overall Grade: D. A deep run is certainly in the mix for Purdue, and this squad is really going to need it, as I’m having trouble seeing where the scoring punch comes from.